I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
