In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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