haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
