You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
