why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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