Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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