capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
