just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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