I am in a vortex of obligation.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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