The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I don't deserve a penis
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
