my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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