Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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