i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
How external is "for external use only"?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
