ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
