im about as happy as oj after his trial
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
