i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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