Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
