sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
