He felt like a one man threesome
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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