Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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