ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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