I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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