you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
