y did u give ur computer a hand job?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Randomize
