I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
