Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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