I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
