i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
