i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
