Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
