Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
