remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
