Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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