If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
