I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
