its not stalking. its research.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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