he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
