Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
