Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
