Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
