I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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