I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
