i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
