I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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