you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
