Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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