Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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