someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
