woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
