dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
