It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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